1.31.16 Trust

Is it bull?

Struggling today with trusting those around me. i think perhaps they might be full of crap. How do i know? How does one trust another?

Although, i may be able to trust others initially, once i let them in and i think they "mess up", all goes downhill. i think currently someone took a big jump down that hill. How do i figure out the truth? Is this person just around me for one thing? Like others have been, and like others show me they want to be.

Why me? i just don't see it....................................

1.30.16 Good, but long....

....day. 

Excellent day actually. Was in a great mood and great things happened. 

Was nice to see all of the support and family in this this particular group of people that are in my vanilla life. It's quite a group. Very different array of people, but we all come together to support one thing. Granted, we may all not get along or even like each other outside of this, but in the end, we all come together. Felt good. 

Made me think of Master and all the support He provides me, and with whom He allows others to help. Felt good too. 

i'm exhausted, and i still have things to do before i go to bed. Another long day tomorrow. Looking forward to Monday. Bit nervous though......i finally landed a job interview.........

1.29.16 Reconnecting/Feeling much better

After getting back into my routine last night and reconnecting with Master during the day, i feel a lot better.

We both noticed the difference and feel the connection is back. Master said that sometimes it brings a stressful situation that we are going through to bring us back. We bring things to the table. Be upfront about what is going on, about what we are feeling and what we need. He does make me very happy. And even though we had gone through a recent stressful situation, i still feel very secure. That makes me happy. Very.

i'll miss Him a lot this weekend. Not a good week, but one that brought us closer again. Things worked out well. i'm grateful.

1.29.16 Not with it

i haven't been doing what i'm supposed to do. my tasks. Well most of them, not all.

This a**hole really messed with me and i'm beating myself up about it. i'm still not to block him. Master is trying to get a point across. He sent me another email last night.

Master is back and we had some things we had to discuss. Good things. Things to better us. Everything happens for a reason right? Perhaps this man came in to show us both something?

i've been punished for the things i haven't been doing. i deserve it and so much more. i don't feel connected to Him today. it's my fault and i hate it. i put me here. He's told me that He feels He's lost some control over me. He hasn't at all. But i made Him feel that way and i feel like i've been stabbed. On my own accord. i landed right on the knife.

Nothing much else to say really.

1.27.16 Down

Day 2, no Master.

i feel horrible for Him and totally and completely helpless. i am lost and confused. Not with our relationship, but i need Him. Too much has been running through my mind.

i know i mentioned being contacted from that man. He also sent me a copy of the note that he sent to Master. It really bothers me because he told Master that i was in an abusive relationship. Doesn't this man understand how D/s works? i'm so very confused.

Master and i continuously talk about our relationship and what our needs are. i'm asking for everything that Master is giving me. How can that be described as being abused? i love the control. i crave it, i need it and i live for it!

A lot happens in 2 days. i've burned my wrist, i've been burned on me knee, i've seriously hurt my right nipple and i have a job interview on Monday.

i hope He is better and is back tomorrow. i hate not being able to take care of Him....................

1.26.15 Day sucks

No Master today. Sick. i miss Him. i need Him. The "dom" replied. He forwarded me the message that was sent to Master, as well as sending me his own message. i'm very upset with the things that he had said to Master. i'm very much bothered by it. i want to think about it some. i will comment on it again. Probably tomorrow............

i finished my report on Gorean Positions for Master. i will most likely be forwarding it to Him today.

....just have some thinking to do. i'm glad i have some time to myself tonight....

1.25.16 Monday

SO very glad to be back to our normal. i've missed Him this weekend. It felt so good to see Him this afternoon. Heals me.

Still nothing from the "dom", so that's good, but to be honest i still expect something. i'm still nervous.

1.24.16 i made it through the blizzard and the weekend

Yahoo! No contact from the "dom", and i made it through the blizzard. Granted i had to dig out 4 times, and i'm exhausted, but i made it! Whew!

i didn't blog yesterday because i had some power issues and didn't want to turn another thing on and have that blown too. i hope Master understands. i also didn't do my standard work out, but wouldn't shoveling 4 times be equivalent? Fingers crossed, i hope so!

Not much else going on. Was just concerned about the weekend and now it's over....i look very much forward to getting back to my normal with Master tomorrow. Still secure but needy.....i miss Him.

1.22.16 The weekend/Nerves

Yes, again, Friday. Ah my most least favorite day.

All in all, i think we had a good week. Aside from the threats, and that has me a little bit nervous. Master, nor i, have heard anything from him. Is this the calm before the storm, or is he smart enough to leave me alone? i hoping for the latter.

My mind goes into overload about what could possibly happen with this person...........but i also know that whatever comes my way, Master will handle it. That is a relief.

Another interesting thing...........i was speaking with another man on another site for the last couple of days and out of nowhere he told me what kind of person i was. He hit the nail right on the head. Told me i was a submissive (and some other interesting things). i was absolutely in shock. i thought perhaps it was "you know who" just finding me on another site. He confirmed it was not and told me he was a bit of a psychic. He said he cannot explain how he can do that. It's amazing.

i told Master about it, and also mentioned to Him what site i was on. Know what He said......He wants to have access to my phone. i know someone vanilla reading this would freak out, but all it did for me was make me smile (and perhaps get a little wet - yikes). More control. Utter control of me. i crave it. He's also promised to finally be in control of all of my finances. i am not to spend a cent unless He is aware of it. i have absolute no problem with this. It's what is best for me. All the way around.

One more interesting thing........Master and i were not able to see each other this afternoon, as we do everyday. Yes, it makes me feel very sad, but you know what..........i can handle it now. i'm not really sure why. Is it because Master is now taking care of me physically and that part of me isn't bothering me anymore????? Maybe. i don't know. i still feel very secure, and happy. He takes care of me so very well. i only hope that i do as good of a job taking care of Him.

1.21.16 No word

Didn't sleep well last night. Had a nightmare. Don't really want to say what it was about. i'm sure you can guess though. Especially if you read yesterday's blog.

Master sent the person who "didn't" threaten me (Ha) a note. i totally expected another nasty, threatening response. To my surprise none came. Will it really be this simple? That he will leave me alone after one simple note from Master? i can only hope so.

i also hope that another sub won't fall for his bs. Thank God Master was there to protect me. What do i do about someone else falling into the bs this "dom" said? How do i protect another sub? i'll have to talk to Master about this. i'm not sure if it would be right to post something on my Fet page. Or perhaps i should message Fet again? Maybe they will know the proper thing to do.

i don't know. It's all on my mind.

i also want to say that although Master has been very busy this week and we have gone through a major step into our relationship, among some really stressful situations, i still feel amazingly secure. i am happy. He makes me that way. i know, so much, how much Master really cares about me. He's proven it over and over and, again, i am so very grateful.

i am fully and completely His, mind, body and soul.

1.20.16 Threats

i "met" this "dom" on Fet. He seemed nice enough initially, and Master had even allowed conversation between the two of us. He was respectful and kind and funny. He seems to have quite the experience in the lifestyle.

As time went on this "dom" started asking me inappropriate things. Things that Master would not approve of. He manipulated me to talk. He is really, really good at getting me to let my guard down and trust and open up to him. He told me that he was "helping me" and that anything i said would be kept just between he and i.

(Side note: wondering....as a "dom" wouldn't he know its inappropriate behavior to talk to ones sub that way? Wouldn't he actually know the protocol?)

i notified Master of what was going on and even forwarded Master some of the messages and communication that we had. Master contacted this "dom" and explained that i am only owned by Him and that i only need Him.  Which is more than 100% a true fact! i had even told this "dom" that i need Master and that i could not live without Him. Only He is the one who knows exactly what i need and only ever will be.

Whew, i'm getting to emotional.

Anyway, Master told me to block this "dom" on YIM, so i did as i was told. After not replying to his YIM messages or to his response to a picture i posted on Fet, i got threatened in an email. Some of his exact words where "don't hide from me", he has to "control his disappointment", "i would strongly suggest that you reply and explain yourself", "i suggest that you reply or their will be consequences", and last but certainly not least, "Our conversations and YIM could blow your world into little pieces!!!!". He also mentioned that he wasn't threatening me????????? Huh?

i contacted Fet and reported him as well as blocked him. Fet replied back to me and said they would help in anyway they could, which i am grateful. i also know that Master will protect me, so i am not worried. However, not thrilled with this outcome.

i'm completely shocked that something like this happened. The only reason i would feel horrible about it is because Master has to deal it. i feel i should absolutely be punished.

1.19.16 Rules

i asked Master if i am to have some rules for this new physicality added in my life. He says yes, and will let me know what they will be. i'm glad for that. i think without them, it would just become an everyday sort of thing and i wouldn't feel so owned physically anymore, like i do now. i really need and want rules.

i'm also being punished for the next 2 nights. i have to play double the time both nights because i didn't do it last night. Honestly i'm not in the mood. Is that bad? Is it strange that i am just not motivated right now? Maybe it's because i'm bored. i don't know. Anyway, i have to do it.

i'm feeling very unmotivated and lazy. The physical friend/dom is coming over later. Maybe that will help?

1.18.16 Update on the weekend...

Seriously was way over tired during the weekend. No way could i have updated what was going on and what happened. Just had too much to do in "Vanilla".

First things first......i was given approval to have someone be with me physically. At first, the day it was scheduled for, i was crazy nervous. Master had given me approval to have a few drinks, so that helped. Then it happened. i will not go into the actual act of what happened, but Master is aware of the exact details. i just feel it's too private only because the man/dom i was with is also on Fet, and i don't think it would be fair to him.

Master also had given approval for me to be spanked. i cannot tell you how much that was needed. It has been a crazy long time and the satisfaction i got out of it was just what i seriously needed. It was perfect.

How did i feel afterwards and how do i feel now?

Afterwards, i only felt closer to Master. i wanted Him more. Still want Him more. Why? i honestly have no clue. Now? i still feel the same. i also feel that absolutely no connection has been broken between He and i. In fact, it's closer. He owns more of me now. He now has control over what happens to me physically by someone else. i love the control. i crave it. i need it. i live for it.

i will say again that i am glad that i waited so long for this to happen. i don't think if it had happened anytime sooner that i would have been able to handle it mentally. The timing was perfect, and the scenario is perfect. my friend also understands that Master can change His mind at any point, and he is perfectly good with that. He understands that Master has full control over me and what happens to me and what i am or what i am not involved with. He understands that i am fully dedicated to the one who owns me and that makes the tension and stress of being with someone that does not understand my relationship be non-existent. No more relationship stress or being alone physically! Yay. Big sigh of relief. Whew! Some weight has lifted off of my shoulders and i am sure some off of Masters as well. He no longer has to be concerned about my physical loneliness. This frees up more time for Him to do other things with me, as well as frees up more time for me to do what He wants and needs. i'm very happy. i'm also very, very lucky.

So, i get this message from someone that i have been talking to on Fet for awhile. He and his pet have sent messages and we had some good conversations and i had even been given some ideas for Master and i. All of a sudden, i get this message from him telling me that he can no longer converse with me. He says i put a strain on their relationship because he thinks about me too much. i have to be honest. i was upset to hear that he no longer wanted to talk to me. i was in no way trying to jeopardize their relationship, i am owned. Happily owned. i enjoyed speaking with him. i considered him and his pet friends and now........it's gone. i do wish them well.

Some other good news.......i get my foxtail tomorrow. i'm crazy excited! i get to try it on and everything. i just have to send Master a picture! Maybe i can post a pic too?

Master also has some things in His mind for other things for me to do now that i have someone that can be with me physically. i am really excited and really looking forward to anything and everything He has planned. This is a great step forward for us. i'm happy. i know Master is as well. i've pleased Him and nothing makes me more happy.

1.17.16 Yes, it...

...happened. Will tell all tomorrow. Way too exhausted to now, but yes. Physical happened.

1.16.16 Exhausted

i don't know if any physical contact will happen today. i'm beyond exhausted. See what happens.....

1.15.16 Amazing day

Absolutely amazing day!

Master had me post some newer pictures. More open than the ones that He has had me posted before. i enjoyed it immensely and doing it turned me on. Incredibly so. Master ordered me to do some things after posting the pictures, and well WOW! He had me squirting! i see ice in an entirely different way now. This Man is simply amazing!

He also had me do some public nudity. Something small, but i always enjoy it.

Then He spoke w/ my dom friend about what He wanted him to do to me. i needed Master to do this because i wanted His hands on me. His direction. Understand?

He is also using me. i want Him to be pleased and happy. i want Him to use me however He wishes.

And last, but not least, Master has approved a fox tail for me! i'm very excited to get it. i love feeling fur on my skin.........i can just imagine how it will feel elsewhere. And perhaps, in the warmer months, i can wear it while i'm nude in the woods.......................................

i think Master may have some very interesting things planned for me in the future. :) i am very very lucky.

1.14.16 Personal changes

Sometimes i still talk to people i'm not really supposed to talk to.

The words of others, especially others of potential danger, i take seriously. i trust too easily and then my head gets confused. It becomes a real problem. i feel like a child. Master has had to tell me who i can talk to and who i can't. i've had to block 2 people today because He knows i can't say no. He knows i will be hurt and abused.

He wants me to change that. To be honest, i'd rather just be told what to do. i hate having to try to have the guts to do it myself. i don't know why i can't see through the fakes. Are there some question i can ask to help me determine this? Is my brain to much of a child to figure it out? i need to be under constant supervision, and to be honest, i'd really like that. i love that kind of control.

Master and i have also discussed other forms of control that i need to remind Him of. He is a very busy man. i had thought that Master wasn't bringing up these other forms of control because He didn't want to do them. i was wrong. Again, i should have asked Him sooner, and i should also know better.

Master is also going to be talking to my dom friend, the one whom i got approval from Master to have physical contact with, in regards to what He would like done to me. i like that much, much better. Master also says it could be more fun in the future as well. Of course i don't know what that is, but i very much look forward to it.

i'm going out tonight. Vanilla. Much older man than i've ever been out with. As always, seems like a nice man. Again.........my child brain. Will i make mistakes? Will i trust? Now i wonder................

1.13.16 First change of year

Quite a day today. Not really sure what to say to be honest.

For over a year now Master has kept me away from being in physical sexual contact with anyone for several reasons. i needed to find myself, so to speak. With Masters help i am still learning that, but i needed to let go of the abusive relationship He had me leave. i needed time alone. i also needed time with Master. i needed to grow with Him, become more submissive and learn how to make Him happy.

During this time i have become depressed and very alone. This due to not having contact with anyone, but it still needed to be done. i would have not changed a thing. Master does know how to take care of me. He always knows what is best for me. This is what was best. Even the loneliness and sadness.

We did try and find me a woman to be with, but that turned out to be impossible.

Anyway, Master did something so incredible today. Something so selfless. He's given permission for my dom friend to touch me, physically. He's given permission for us to sleep together. He's given permission for me to be spanked. He's allowing me to be touched by someone other than Him because He knows what i need and when. He is taking care of me. What He is doing is also very hard. Hard on His end. i think this is hard for both of us. But His understanding of me and being the amazing Master that He is, is allowing this.

We had a very difficult day coming to decide this. It was also a little hard to hear as well. Your Master giving someone else permission to touch you other than Him. Kinda hard. But i understand, and our situation certainly doesn't allow for what is needed. For either of us.

i've learned that although i needed a separation time before i was physical with someone again, that i do need it. i also know that in order for me to be physical with someone i have to have some sort of connection. Someone has to be mentally attractive to me at first. To find someone like that takes a lot of time. my dom friend, i have a connection with. He's my friend, a really good one. He also understands that i am owned and understands my relationship with Master. He will never damage that or want to change that. i trust him, as does Master. It's a perfect scenario.

Lots else going on in my mind right now................i need to organize it.

But my dom friend has the rules of what he is allowed to do and what he is not allowed to do. i know he will abide by them.

..............ok, organizing........................

1.12.16 Physical with someone?

Master knows that my body needs to feel another's on me. We've been up and down this road several times. i think perhaps my mind is now in the right frame of mind to do this. And i sort of have the perfect scenario. Well, i think i do anyway. Depends on the individual, who does know i am Masters by the way.

i was told to discuss some things with this individual tonight and report back to Master. Now, question is, will this individual just be with me because he wants me, or will he really be okay with Masters rules and guidelines and understand that this does not mean any sort of enhanced relationship.

See what happens..................................................in either case, i'm not leaving Master, nor will He be releasing me. We are bonded. And as far as i know.............forever.

1.11.16 No clue

i really have no idea what to say today. People continue to amaze me. i don't want to say to much here right now because i don't want it to cause a rush of messages in case this gets reads tonight. i will tell the whole seeded story soon.

i will say though that i don't think i am as street smart as i always thought i have been. i am still willing to trust everyone quickly. Sad to say that that's a personality defect.

i'm glad it's Monday. Back to normal.

1.10.16 Poor judgement

Still making mistakes on character. Stupid stupid. Not happy with myself right now. i should have known better.

1.9.16 Finding my body connection

So i'm trying to make my body react to me again and not a toy. i hate playing with myself because i find it boring. Nice right. Ugh. Well, let me say, it's not that i really find it boring, i just find it annoying and difficult. i can't make myself feel good that way. Someone is telling me that i have to reconnect my mind with my body. Think more about what feels good. Concentrate. Explore more and open my mind. Just like Master has been telling me all along. To take it slow. It's my own fault for not listening to Him. i really messed up.

So last night i played with my new piercings and it was really nice. i loved the feel and enjoyed it a lot. i can't imagine Master doing it. Will be amazing.

1.8.16 Bad night

i received some horrible news from someone close to me last night letting me know that something terrible could have happened to them.

It brought back a flood of bad memories. i drank a ton of alcohol and did some crying. i'm exhausted today. The reality of what could have happened hit me. What this person did would have been exactly what i would have done, and that was to be put in a really bad, frightening and dangerous situation. i am not one to say no (as we know). i would say yes just to please. i really do think if i was in danger i would still say yes. i honestly don't think i would fight. i can be very aggressive, but i just don't know. Had me wondering a lot of the night.

i told Master about what happened and He told me He would never allow anything bad happen to me again. i know it might be weird for Him to say that considering the distance, but i believe Him. i know He would do everything in His power to make sure i was safe, and i think harm might come to someone who actually did hurt me. Just sayin'. Honestly, i really like that too.

i'm being punished for rushing the times i have been allowed to cum. i have to play with myself without toys for a half hour every night until further notice. i'm supposing this is a good way for me to start to find my body again and learn how to please it again. i hate doing it. it feels ok, but i cannot cum from just touching myself. And the amount of time is insane! How can one play with themselves for an entire half hour. Well i really mean how can i since i have such a hard time with it.

It was a hard week to catch up with Master and reconnect. i still feel like i am missing Him. i hope this weekend goes fast. Hate Friday. Seriously.

1.7.16 Vibe addict

i'm in trouble.

i've had some trouble cumming lately and i know why now. i have been overstimulating my clit.

Master did tell me a very long time ago to take my time when He allows me to cum, but i haven't done that in a very long time. i don't even make myself wet. i just go right for the toy and cum. That's it. No building up, no enjoyment - well i do enjoy when i cum, but still.

i am waiting to hear what Master wants me to do

i feel upset for disappointing Him. Do you know that no matter how little or big i disappoint Him, the feeling is always the same. It cuts me.

1.6.16 Inspiration

i so didn't want to work out last night, and i did the lamest exercise i could. i just don't feeeeeeel like it.

i have all the inspiration i need to find a new job, but i have zero inspiration to work out. i mean i know what i want to look like and i think i know what Master wants me to look like, which should be inspiration enough right? Um, no. i was thinking maybe if i post a bunch of pictures around my place that might help. i might do that this weekend?

i've been having bad feelings about how i look lately so i really need to do something. my self esteem has been a bit low. Again, want to be perfect for Him. In the past when i've felt like this Master had me post pictures to prove a point...........but i did send pictures of my piercings to someone last night and don't think i got good feedback, so........................

Still worried about the job, but i trust what Master says and believe that He will take care of everything. The thought is working it's darn way back in to my mind every time i send my resume out. Maybe i should do what i said i was going to do and be positive. Maybe a new job won't take any time away from Master at all. i should think about that too. Maybe i could find a job that would relocate me - ha!

Still feeling distant but secure with Master. i wish there was some button i could push to change that.

Had to stop some conversations today. Sometimes i find myself answering questions i shouldn't be because i get roped into the conversation. Dammit. The sneaks that do that to me!

1.5.16 Several things/changes

Lots of work on the computer today. Looking for jobs, talking to friends and contacts. Can't say i'm not trying to make things better for myself. i don't want to loose the momentum. i think tomorrow i will work on reaching out to some old contacts from the other industry i was in. See what happens there.

Have had lots on my mind in regards to my changes. Obviously my job has to change, my living situation needs to change, and i wonder if i am mentally ok to try and "date". i've been thinking a lot about sex lately and also about what Master had said about how things only change if you allow them to. i never want anything to change between Master and i (well other than the obvious), so i will not allow it to.

i think my mind might be (again "might") in the right frame. Although it is up to Master what i do.

All i am going to do is to take each day at a time. i'm going to do my best to try and not think ahead, and over think. i am also doing my very best to stay positive in everything. i have to. i don't want to go back and be as miserable as i was in November. It was not good for anyone.

Anyway, had some great conversations with some people today. i enjoy talking, learning. i also like doing research. Have to work on my new report for Master. i'm looking forward to it. He did say He liked my last report, so i was very happy about that. Whew!

i get to cum tonight too. Very happy about that. i need it. i also have to start my work out again. That i am not very happy about. i feel very lazy at the end of the day and all i would like to do is sit on the darn couch - blah. i think i should post a picture of what i'd like to look at by my television. Maybe that will motivate me......................

1.4.16 Normalcy in the future.....

i really need to get back to my normal with Master. i feel safe and secure, happy and comforted, but distant and apart. i'm confident in our relationship, but i just need to get back to routine. With all of the holidays, it's been hard to stick to my routine. Especially after being away. So that all makes me feel removed from Him. Not as close. When i get like this i want more routine. More orders. More things to do.

i know it will change as the week goes on. Just seeing Him this afternoon really helped. Seeing Him always does.

Neither one of us have anything coming up in the near future either so all should be good.

i am concerned about a new job though. Very very much concerned. But i will trust in knowing that Master will take care of everything and that i've nothing to worry about. And i do trust Him. Every ounce of me trusts Him.

i'm still waiting to hear about what He thought about my report as well as the new subject i mentioned to Him. See what happens as the week goes on.

Nipples are also healing very nicely so far. Although my right one is more sore than the other still.....

1.3.16 Downs

Today i had some downs, but you know what, i thought about them positively. And guess what, the down turned out to be positive! So awesome!

i will do my best to continue to do so throughout this year.............................

And btw, my Dom friend is a pain in my ass................

1.2.16 Off to a good start

Well kinda. Lol. i didn't blog yesterday OR send Master my schedule. He did know that i was visiting my Grandmother though. i did tell Him verbally. But still.................

All kidding aside, i've already been thinking with a positive attitude. Some sticks in the mud have risen, but, along with my very best friend, i am handing them as they hit me. Pretty good so far. i'm happy with this new outlook. i guarantee that i will fall off. All a process. i've asked my best friend to help me throughout the year with being positive, as i will her. i MUST look at the good of everything, even the sticks in the mud. The sticks happen for a reason!

So i accidentally pulled my nipple ring last night. Holy &*^^&*%*% did that hurt! No words to explain. But i am still so crazy happy that Master had me get them! i like them and am looking forward to the fun ahead!

Welp........all for now. i've submitted my monthly report on a new subject to Master. i've suggested another. i hope it will be something He will be interested in. Hope He likes the report to. Do you know how long it's been since i've had to do something like that!!!!! Pfft!