1.31.16 Trust

Is it bull?

Struggling today with trusting those around me. i think perhaps they might be full of crap. How do i know? How does one trust another?

Although, i may be able to trust others initially, once i let them in and i think they "mess up", all goes downhill. i think currently someone took a big jump down that hill. How do i figure out the truth? Is this person just around me for one thing? Like others have been, and like others show me they want to be.

Why me? i just don't see it....................................

1.30.16 Good, but long....

....day. 

Excellent day actually. Was in a great mood and great things happened. 

Was nice to see all of the support and family in this this particular group of people that are in my vanilla life. It's quite a group. Very different array of people, but we all come together to support one thing. Granted, we may all not get along or even like each other outside of this, but in the end, we all come together. Felt good. 

Made me think of Master and all the support He provides me, and with whom He allows others to help. Felt good too. 

i'm exhausted, and i still have things to do before i go to bed. Another long day tomorrow. Looking forward to Monday. Bit nervous though......i finally landed a job interview.........

1.29.16 Reconnecting/Feeling much better

After getting back into my routine last night and reconnecting with Master during the day, i feel a lot better.

We both noticed the difference and feel the connection is back. Master said that sometimes it brings a stressful situation that we are going through to bring us back. We bring things to the table. Be upfront about what is going on, about what we are feeling and what we need. He does make me very happy. And even though we had gone through a recent stressful situation, i still feel very secure. That makes me happy. Very.

i'll miss Him a lot this weekend. Not a good week, but one that brought us closer again. Things worked out well. i'm grateful.

1.29.16 Not with it

i haven't been doing what i'm supposed to do. my tasks. Well most of them, not all.

This a**hole really messed with me and i'm beating myself up about it. i'm still not to block him. Master is trying to get a point across. He sent me another email last night.

Master is back and we had some things we had to discuss. Good things. Things to better us. Everything happens for a reason right? Perhaps this man came in to show us both something?

i've been punished for the things i haven't been doing. i deserve it and so much more. i don't feel connected to Him today. it's my fault and i hate it. i put me here. He's told me that He feels He's lost some control over me. He hasn't at all. But i made Him feel that way and i feel like i've been stabbed. On my own accord. i landed right on the knife.

Nothing much else to say really.

1.27.16 Down

Day 2, no Master.

i feel horrible for Him and totally and completely helpless. i am lost and confused. Not with our relationship, but i need Him. Too much has been running through my mind.

i know i mentioned being contacted from that man. He also sent me a copy of the note that he sent to Master. It really bothers me because he told Master that i was in an abusive relationship. Doesn't this man understand how D/s works? i'm so very confused.

Master and i continuously talk about our relationship and what our needs are. i'm asking for everything that Master is giving me. How can that be described as being abused? i love the control. i crave it, i need it and i live for it!

A lot happens in 2 days. i've burned my wrist, i've been burned on me knee, i've seriously hurt my right nipple and i have a job interview on Monday.

i hope He is better and is back tomorrow. i hate not being able to take care of Him....................

1.26.15 Day sucks

No Master today. Sick. i miss Him. i need Him. The "dom" replied. He forwarded me the message that was sent to Master, as well as sending me his own message. i'm very upset with the things that he had said to Master. i'm very much bothered by it. i want to think about it some. i will comment on it again. Probably tomorrow............

i finished my report on Gorean Positions for Master. i will most likely be forwarding it to Him today.

....just have some thinking to do. i'm glad i have some time to myself tonight....

1.25.16 Monday

SO very glad to be back to our normal. i've missed Him this weekend. It felt so good to see Him this afternoon. Heals me.

Still nothing from the "dom", so that's good, but to be honest i still expect something. i'm still nervous.